Shadow Work: The Acceptance of Self
Of all of the topics of self-integration, there is one piece of gold that I am consistently drawn to for my own practice as well as sharing with my clients and my friends. It can be said as vaguely as all feelings are valid, though what it really encompasses is approaching life from a non-dualist perspective: There is no good, no bad, there just is. Accepting the humanness of suffering and fully experiencing pain when it comes, but also surrendering ourselves to joy when it abounds.
In my experience, I have seen both ends of the duality spectrum in others, as well as spent plenty of personal time in each. I have been stuck in the darkness of the underworld, almost too comfortable dwelling in pain because it has become so familiar and the fear is in leaving it. I have also fought to grasp at the upswing of happiness because that is what our society values and is mistakenly the goal of life. No one wants to see you unhappy because we know what it feels like so we sympathize; however, it’s inauthentic and impossible to be positive all of the time. Happy is easy, but engaging the shadow brings inspiration, courage, and growth. These parts of ourselves – the virtuous parts of us that we celebrate and want to show the world, as well as those parts of ourselves we long to fix, to push away, to get rid of – are who we are. Every part of us is equally important in our unique beauty and there is no way to get rid of them.
Our shadows are not lonely in this world, and the biggest misconception is that there are some of us walking on this earth who have conquered our darkness. Yeah, nope. We’ve all got shadows, but the difference is the extent of integration that has come by way of acceptance. The more we can embrace all of our parts, the easier it becomes to live with them and even use them to our advantage. Acceptance of our shadows kind of looks like this:
Shadows can be viewed as a potential. For example, within each of us exists a capacity to do harm and to make a choice based on that knowledge. Every time we choose to do something kind – especially to ourselves – we can know that we are also acknowledging our darkness by not choosing it. Read that again. By consciously (or unconsciously) choosing kindness we have also chosen to not be unkind.
I believe that the ultimate practice is to experience life in a way of meeting things not as good or bad, light or dark, but rather, just as they are. Now that you are aware of this, you can start to become more conscious of your total self. It really is that simple. In most cases, we don’t have to define each part of our shadow as a trauma, a wound, a story of what once happened, the fear that feels so alive within you, but are unable to name. All that truly matters is your awareness that it is there. None of us are without it. Remember that you are the beautiful you of right now because of all of these parts and it is impossible to exist otherwise. Shadow work (and work, of course, is not necessarily easy) is simply the recognition of what and who we fully are.
These unseen parts of us are called the shadow for a reason besides it just being a dark, unseen element. Just like our physical shadow, there are some times that it’s not intended to be seen; however, just like the fall of night, it never leaves us. Sunny days at high noon, it hides, but if you’re conscious of it, you know it’s not gone. So get to know it, befriend it, use integrative tools to gain familiarity with it, and when it comes out say hello, you can allow it work with you, not drive you.
Though this is not a permission slip to cancel therapy, I ask that you be wary of anyone who offers to help to “fix” you, whether that be physically, mentally, emotionally or otherwise. Therapy is a crucial part of our support system in facilitating our journey to ourselves, but remember: You are not broken, I promise. You are an inquisitive, complete person on the path to self-knowing. The hardest part isn’t facing your shadow... It’s being kind and gentle with yourself along the way.
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